Articles

Inside the Mind of Stuart

Author:Kyle Bennett

Date: Tuesday , May 08, 2012

Twelve years ago an [H]'er by the name of Mark blessed us with the series of stories you will find cleaned up a bit and published once again here today. Tech based humor directly from "that guy" that we have all run into at least once. It has been a while since we have shared Inside the Mind of Stuart, and we hope you enjoy it again or for the first time.

Inside the Mind of Stuart - Part 1

Hello, my name is Stuart.

Sometimes, late at night, I shed all of my clothing; coat myself in butter and go outside to think about what Microsoft means to me. I think about Bill Gates, Where he is, what he is doing, who he is thinking aboutآ…is he thinking about me? I wonder why he never returns my calls and why I am told to never call again.

I always laugh when I get his responses to my emails, asking him to be my best man at my marriage to Lara Croft, stating "I will be forced to press charges if I receive any more emails from you. This has now become harassment!" Sending the guy from the F.B.I. to my house was hilarious. I still laugh hysterically from the time I was outside his house at 2:30 AM, singing into the loudspeaker "Wind beneath my wings," that’s our song.

He had me thrown in jail and I had to call my parents. Then my mom tells me "Stuart, you’re thirty-five years oldآ….your Father and I feel you should begin tooآ…." click. WELL MOM!!! I DID IT ON MY OWN!!! I GOT OUT!!! I HEAR YOU AND DAD TALKING ABOUT ME UPSTAIRS!!! DO YOU THINK I LIKE LIVING IN YOUR BASEMENT!!! I’VE TRIED TO GET A JOB!!! LARA CROFT WILL BE MY WIFE SOON MOM!!!! WHAT HAND LOTION, MOM?!?! I DON’T HAVE YOUR HAND LOTION!!! I WANTED FROSTED FLAKES!!!! NOT COCOA PUFFS!!! YOU NEVER GET IT RIGHT!!! I’LL SHOW YOU!!!! I’LL SHOW BOTH OF YOU!!!! SOMEDAY YOU’LL PAY!!! Somedayآ…آ…آ…

Bill sure likes to kid around.

I see those messages you send me Bill, through your operating system, that pop-up on my screen, Kernel32.DLL. Read you loud and clear Bill, I have already stocked up on water and canned goods. It’s too bad only you and I know the Real Truth about the Monkeys. I know the photos taken of you are ones that you have had done just for me. I’ve saved each and every one. I even had a couple blown up to poster size.

I know it’s you Bill, that walks with me through the hallowed grounds of Quake 3 Arena and it is because of this I am so successful. I had hoped you would have stopped by on your birthday. I had to blow out all the candles on your cake by myselfآ…again. I sometimes wear the "All your base are belong to us" t-shrit I bought you for your special day.